you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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