1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
he just referred to himself as the billy mays of his frat.. heres how to order
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
