Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
Randomize
