Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
