i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
