According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
