Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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