You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
