My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
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4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
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Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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