I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
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