how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
