I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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