She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
Randomize
