this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
