I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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