Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
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