Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
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at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
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Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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