Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Randomize
