Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
