it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
