Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
