My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
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Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
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I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
its liver damage thursday
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
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