i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
