Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
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