I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm gonna fight the coyote
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
