I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
