So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
