I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize