I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Mom said you looked used
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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