When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Randomize
