haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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