Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
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