Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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