The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
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I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
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I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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