hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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