Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Come share oat with me in your robe
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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