im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
