Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
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