i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
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