I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you would pick up someone in the library
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend