Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.