Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize
