Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I think weed is turning my hair brown
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Randomize
