imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
