11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
