The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
