Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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