I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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