Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
