ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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