i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
