Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
