Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Randomize
