So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
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he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
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My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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