Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I could have mohawked her pubes.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Randomize
