I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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