So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
